This is the story of my biggest and greatest adventure yet, this is the story of the day I found myself in...Nigeria!!*Cue in Nigerian film sound effects*
As some of you may know, no matter the offence I never ever ever kill...unless you touch a bottle of my favorite brand of alcohol. Its your lucky day readers as my last bottle of Alomo Bitters finished last night. From what I hear your people have it in abundance.
Looks like I'm heading to Nigeria. Now that I think about it, I've never dated a Nigerian girl before. Note to self, pass through South America and shave some Brazilians.
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| Don't cry, your hair will be worn by another proudly while she operates a blackberry phone. |
Some Brazilian hair and two weeks later and here I am in Nigeria, the self proclaimed giant of Africa. A country so corrupt that the number of legit policemen are only as many as the words in the First Lady's vocabulary, so corrupt the term tax evasion is synonymous with work allowance.
I'm in the nation's capital, perched on the roof of one of the city's tallest buildings looking for my target. If I am to deal with the request of my loyal readers I must start at the top of the food chain, the friggin president!
Intel suggests he lives in a villa called Aso Rock guarded by a thousand Nigerian policemen. A thousand may as well be equal to nothing when I know their one weakness. With one swift movement I jump off the building and glide in the direction of my targets abode, justice will be served!
I arrive at the gate, security is tight as expected. Snipers are on the roof, guards are on patrol and they number in the hundreds. But I'm the frigging Batman, I have a plan for everything. I push a button on the side on my utility belt and a car slowly drives to the side of the fence, drawing the gaze of every police man and security personnel on the premises. On the car the words, “Free Bribes” are written in large letters. As expected every man, woman and dog on the premises begins to chase it down the road leaving the house of the most important man in the country open. I let myself in through the front door.
I get to the president's room and immediately the door bolts shut behind me. Someone is trying to trap me. He must have known something was wrong when his security vanished. His words echo in the air “You should not have come here Batman, now face my secret weapon”. And in that moment the first lady appears. I have read about her, she is the president's personal interrogator often subjecting suspected criminals to her longest speeches till they admit to the crime or run mad in the presence of such horrendous spoken English.
She starts to laugh, and even her laughter is in the wrong order 'ah ah ah ah'. The evil woman had the nerve to put the a before the h. This is bad, very bad. But I came prepared, I put my hand in my belt and begin to remove the one thing she is powerless against. As she begins her newest independence day speech, I get out my own secret weapon, the English dictionary she cowers in terror as she sees it, falls to the floor and eventually passes out.
His security force dismantled, secret weapon disabled and life in the palm of my hands. The president begins to beg for his life. I ask for two things, one a never ending supply of Alomo Bitters and two, an end to the evils that plague my readers. He promises to fulfil the former but claims the other request is beyond his power. He tells me I will die if I think I can stop the man responsible, the head of the Nigerian Illuminati. I demand for a name, all he gave were three letters 'OBJ'.
With that I vanish from the premises satisfied with my work for the night. I have the name of my next target and enough alcohol to last me a lifetime.
Trust me you do not want to miss the epic conclusion to this monster of a story, it'll be like tales by moonlight and Warner Bros had a baby but since this is Nigeria the following words are more than appropriate...
WATCH OUT FOR PART 2!
