The phone rings. You leave it to ring for some few extra
seconds; you are cool. You put down your Marlboro cigarette (told you you were
cool!) and rest it on your Mickey Mouse ashtray.
Voice: "Is that the Assassin?"
You: "Yes"
Voice: "I have a job for you"
You: "Right."
Voice: "Usual arrangement?"
You: "Yes"
Voice: "I'll email the details now... You don't talk
much, do you?"
You: "No"
Click. Called ended. (Bet you didn't know you were THIS
cool!)
Upon opening the mail sent by your "contractor",
you read it carefully like the articulate hitman that you are. The victim is a
23 year-old Nigerian rapper. Goes by the name of Ice Prince. I use the term
"rapper" loosely because this guy is to music as what APC is to
keeping pre-election promises. People are correct – rap music does promote violence. Cause whenever I hear him, all
I want to do is stab myself in the ears repeatedly.
Back to the e-mail now, time is running out. Your pay is in
millions. Nice. The contractor? Some guy who slept with his girlfriend and now
wants him dead, so he could have her to himself. Big fan of infidelity, this
guy. Anyway, it's not your place to judge - you're cool, remember? Get the
money and make the hit, that's YOUR motto. No questions asked. Just one
problem, though. Batman is in town!
Now, how do we get rid of the Batman, readers? Any answer?
Come on, this is easy. Nobody? In Nigeria, one way. You tell Buhari somebody
has stolen money. Not just any somebody. Just so he doesn't turn a blind eye,
you tell him it's a PDP man and then watch him pull every nook and cranny to arrest
him. He'll cause a riot and do as if terrorists have attacked Borno again.
Surely, this is enough to distract the Batman for you to do the deed.
You arrive at Ice Prince's gate. Standing outside it, you
already know how to enter. It's very easy. You calmly, literally walk through
it because, just like his raps, the bars are very weak. See what I did there,
oh never mind. Now you're in his house. It's beautiful. Admittedly, for a
Nigerian bachelor, you'd expect a regular shithole. But not this one. You
notice a neat living room and wine neatly arranged at the bar in the corner.
Very surprising. His bars are almost always shit.
Deep Voice: "What are you doing here?"
You turn around to see who said that, and who do you see?
You: "Batman? What? What are you doing here? I thought
the APC thing distracted you!"
Batman: "For a while, yes. But Buhari found out the
criminal was actually an APC man, so they let him go."
You: "Shit."
Batman: "Now, I shouldn't find you in this man's house
again... Or else.."
You: "Somebody cannot play with you againnnn? No vex. I
am going."
Defeated, you leave. You bloody leave. Nice one, Bruce
Wayne. Ice Prince ended up lucky. Till next time.
THE END.
