Misadventures of Batman & Robin

Hello. My name is Robin. This is my first time writing, and it sure feels exciting to be given the opportunity to start a post. I hear you enjoyed I and Batman's last banter. Good. See we may be working together, but Batman doesn't look out for me very much. 

Just last night, I was getting deeper into the water when I flapped my hands about and screamed for my life. "Help! Help! I can't swim!"

To my luck, Bruce ran towards me just in time. But then he just stood there, arms folded, shaking his head.

"I know you don't want to wet your outfit! But help me please!" I yelled.

"Just take the plug out the fucking bath tub, you thick cunt," he said and walked away.

Welcome anyway. I present to you a short, recurring skit of:

Robin: "Say, Batman. Do you know what illness Strepsil is for?"

Batman: "For cough."

Robin: "No need to be rude, it's just a simple question."

Robin: "I have been watching the Dark Knight all through last night."

Batman: "Robin. It seems you don't quite understand how to play Chess."

Robin: "A couple of guys down the road offered me 60 seconds worth of phone credit, but in return that I would give them blowjobs. After reconsidering it though, I decided not to."

Batman: "Phew. For a minute there, I thought you were gay."

Batman: "If I had to choose between either eating a divided loaf of bread or having sex with a religious sister, I would choose the bread."

Robin: "Oh? Why is that?"

Batman: "Half bread is better than nun."

Robin: "I took a medicinal drug last night. And this morning I woke up with the left and right of my body shaking so badly."

Batman: "Robin. Those are the side effects it warned about..."

Robin "If there's one place that boasts to have pig meat, you know where that place is?"
Batman: "Gosh, this is one of those your lame jokes, isn't it."
Robin: "Just guess, it's the greatest joke you'll ever hear."
Batman: "Okay... where?"
Robin: "..Gotham."                                                   

Tony Salazar

So hey, it's your friendly neighborhood superhero Peter Parker. Figured I'd take 5 minutes off of my busy superhero schedule to gist y'all in the matrix the horror that went down today. You'll like this one. But before I begin though, I feel a disclaimer need be issued; this isn't the usual Justice League blogpost, it's violent. Very. Although the comedic theme remains unchanged, like a Muslim enforcing his lifestyle to his properties; fasten your seat-belts, your kids might not want to see this one.

I use a mattress my grandparents - Yao Ming & Wong - usually slept on. My Granddad's part of the foam is forever covered in sweat and um... needless to say, I woke up on the wong side of the bed this morning. Grumpy, I turn on the laptop to check Spider-man's Facebook page. There's 6 million likes so far (Up yours, Avengers!)and a NEW message from my very own stalker - Tony Salazar. It reads:

       "You haven't replied any of my 400 messages, I hope you've had a chance. I ain't mad, I just think it's fucked up you don't answer fans.
        I know you probably hear this everyday, but I'm your biggest fan. I even got them underground shit that you did with Von. 
Anyway, hit me back or I WILL slit my wrists or harm someone you know. My pizza shop is just down the street. I love you. Bye."

The message was instinctively ignored. I can't front, the threat did freak me out a little bit. Hella psychotic. Dude has had an unnatural crush on me, AND why his shop down the street was mentioned is beyond me... I don't swing that way.

I check my news feed afterwards; see Batman's update on an Alomo Bitters drink, and an update from Mary Jane <3, my true heart. But something fishy catches my eye!
Her status: "Won a free pizza from a Salazar shop! Getting it free home delivered just like that! Yay me!"
Lucky her, I thought, wish I had some free pizza myself. But wait. Free home pizza? Salazar pizza shop? It took a second; Salazar! Tony Salazar's pizza shop. Was this him trying to do something to hurt Mary Jane?

Instantly I dash into the wardrobe, toward my costume and start wearing em. Within a minute Spider-man comes out of the closet (Fabulous *gay hand gesture*). I hoped I could get to Mary Jane in time before Tony beat me to it.

I jumped out the window, speedily swinging toward her place. What exactly is Tony planing here? Why is he going after her? If anything ever happened to Mary Jane...

I land in front of her home a minute later, making sure nobody saw me, and pushed my way in. There were broken furniture all over the place, like a terribly hurricane occurred in here. I called her name 3 times - no one answered. And then I saw it. On the floor. Two fingers placed beside each other, covered in a pool of blood in front of me. It was almost unreal. I took a step forward to examine them, they were feminine. Someone had placed them there.

"Spider-man!"

I spun round to see who had called. Standing by the doorway was a man in range clothes, tall and pale. His face was scarred and hair was folded into a ponytail. He gripped a gun in his right hand, pointing at the two girls sitting and tied securely to a chair beside him. Mary Jane and Lisa Eldon (her flatmate). Needless to say I was shocked as fuck, who the hell grows a ponytail?

"Let them go!" I instructed.

"Let them go?" Tony mouthed, and busted out roaring in laughter. Lisa and Mary Jane joined him soon after, exchanging a what-the-fuck face. Lol, it was a long shot, I know. I see it in movies, leave me alone.

"So I would go through all this trouble breaking in, destroying the furniture, cutting off Lisa's fingers and tying em to a rocking chair JUST so I would let em go when you say so," Tony said. "Lemme show you just how serious this is."

BANG! Lisa's dead body dropped to the floor. He had killed her instantly.

"What the hell bro?" I exclaimed. "What do you want?"

He replied, "I'm a stalker, I dunno what I want. Look what you made me do to Lisa. How's Mary Jane gonna live with herself now..."

I paused. Then chuckled. I liked his sense of humour.

He took out a smoke bomb from his pocket. "Until we meet again, Spider-man!" He smashed it on the floor and a second after, smoke filled the air. He was gone. I untied Mary Jane quickly and asked how she was doing. Tony Salazar was gone... but not for long.

Batman & Robin banter

Hi, it's your unfriendly neighbourhood Spider-man. I'm unfriendly when it comes to random people that meet me on the street and
go, "Ooh, you're my favourite Superhero."

or

"Hey, can I get an autograph?"

OR

"Please, help! They're raping me."

OKAY, I know, I KNOW. That was a little bit mean. I should have signed an autograph for that second guy there. Anyway though:
I present to you a short possibly recurring skit of:

Robin: "Batman, did you fart?"
Batman: "The test of a man's strength is not by how he treats his enemies, but by how he treats his friends."
Robin: "Yeah, yeah, did you fart though?"
Batman: "And people can smell your weaknesses?"
Robin: "Oh, it's on! Let's see who can compete better at this."
Batman: *looks at him* "You do not want to mess with me..."


Robin: "I put this guy in a coma after he made a pass at me. Showed him!"
Batman: "Robin, it seems you don't quite understand the rules of football."


Robin: *opens door and finds naked gigolo on bed* "Holy gracious!"
Batman: *from living room* "You shouldn't use that word over things so trivial, Robin."
Robin: "There is a Chinese male gigolo on my bed!"
Batman: *comes and sees person, and recognises him* "Hoe Lee..."
Robin: "Only you can say it then?"


Robin: "Batman, I must confess. I have a fetish for... light switches."
Batman: "Robin, whatever turns you on."


Robin: "I posted a signboard in school today. I told everyone to vote my friend Rick to be president of all superheroes, because he can generate power charges from his body."
Batman: "Electric?"
Robin: "Yes, for president."


Batman to Robin: "Robin, be careful who you save in India. Apparently not every woman there has a sniper dot on their forehead."

Just a post (Batman)

I’m sitting on the balcony of my ten million dollar mansion overlooking the city at night. Bottle of whiskey and alomo bitters open and empty in front of me on an expensive diamond plated table.

Anyway this is me updating my blog cause Spidey won’t stop bitching about how it's my turn. That dude needs a girlfriend.

Most of you know me as Batman, and thanks to Christopher Nolan some of you know me as Christian Bale, the Dark Knight, Bruce Wayne etc. And if none of those ring any bells, then think of me as the dude that made talking like you had a throat infection look cool.
Why I’m depressed and drinking as opposed to outside in tights fighting crime will be the topic of discussion tonight.
Batman is a boss in Gotham, the thought of my presence makes grown men cry. The sound of my voice over the phone has instantly made some women pregnant, and last year Bruce Wayne was nominated as manly male of the year alongside two grizzly bears and one African lion. Which is why when Supes brought up the idea of a sidekick I was very much against it, like who could seriously keep up with this much class? Until Barney Stinson educated me on the merits of a capable wing man.
And that’s the true version of how Robin the Boy Wonder was born.
It was awesome at first, fighting crime side by side, beating up on every villain with Russian heritage and a penchant for politics(Get the reference?)....

 Why is Batman so sad? Will he ever finish his Alomo Bitters? Will Patience Jonathan ever learn how to speak proper English?

All these and more shall be answered in next week's Misadventures of the Justice League. If any of you Martians, Kryptonians or Lagosians have any questions or suggestions for the blog, direct them either to @Snikoggs or @Zillaitor. Now if you will excuse me, I need to go change my costume.

The Tale of the Black Supervillain

Hi, my name is Peter Parker. You've probably seen me played by that shit actor Tobey Maguire in the movie Spiderman, which I'm sure you hated. The bastard made me look like a nerd  whose idea of a hottie is Chucky-face-having Kirsten Dunst.
Take a look at the girl to your right... Yes, her. Done jerking off now? Good. Now, to your left. I know what you're thinking, but no, the witch from Attila the Hun didn't come back to life. You should all get my point now.

Anyways, I'm the actual Spiderman; your friendly neighbourhood Superhero. If I don't succeed at that, I'll become a web developer instead (See what I - never mind). I'm supposed to give you an idea of what's it like in my daily life, huh? Good, cause LAST NIGHT I saved a woman whose purse got stolen.

Actually, the purse was floating away by itself and I couldn't see anyone. All I sensed was the smell of shit, for some odd reason. That was when I figured it out! *shocks*



"Baba Suwe!" I called.

The purse stopped at once and did a 360. And then I saw some teeth. It was him.

"Stay out of this, Spiderman!" he yelled. "The NDLEA won't pay me, so I'm taking matters into my own hands."

I spotted a copy of Family Matters in his other hand, and then we both laughed. I commended his sense of humour.

"You give a whole new meaning to the term Black Ops," I said, and we laughed again. "Why do you smell of faeces?"

"When they held me up at the station, my asshole was widened so much I crap when I don't even notice. This is revenge for what they did to me!" he yelled.

"Clearly, you are the worst kind of supervillain. You give shit to the rest of the world!" I brought out a large vacuum cleaner I usually carry around, and pointed at him. "DIE!". Dumpling after dumpling, our friend Baba Suwe got sucked inside.



See, when you're full of shit and that all gets taken away, you turn pale, hence the picture right there. I personally feel the NDLEA should pay the dude his compensation or he might pull a Balthazer Blake and come out of the vacuum cleaner, and start shitting on you all in no time.

I'm sure the other superheroes have some epic tales to share with you. That's all for me tonight. The Tale of the Black Supervillain.

WELCOME

Greetings, Earthlings. I can bet my Batmobile you guys are wondering just who the hell we are. No, it's not a bird. It's not a plane. And no, it's not Superman either. We are the Justice League. As in the actual Justice League. Spiderman actually protested that we shouldn't make this blog because of the whole revealing-our-identity thing, but just what the hell does he know about the web! Ah, wait a minute.

I'm sure most of you normal people who go to work in the morning, pick your kids up from school, listen to Justin Bieber(eww) etc, that put on your TVs and see Superman punching asteroids, Flash outrunning a speeding bullet or Batman playing table tennis (Aha), would probably not understand what it's like in the life of a Superhero. Hence why we present this blog to you. Come here and read such epic/comedic stories that happen in our everyday lives.

I would go on, but Batman just called to tell me Wonder Woman is about to have a shower. Good thing I've got X-ray vision. ;)